Fine. I'll sleep in my office
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
