It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
