he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
