Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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