I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
