he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Pants are for mortals
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
