You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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