i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
