It's like God shit irony all over that family
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
They have beer where we have blood.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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