youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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