You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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