at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
