Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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