my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
I'm really busy with my period
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