that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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