when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I forget how to act sober
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
