I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
