I accidentally had phone sex last night
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
