I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
