She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize