The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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