i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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