Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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