Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
