I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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