Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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