every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
