Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize