You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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