No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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