Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
