im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
