The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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