I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
