There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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