Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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