Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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