his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
