I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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