Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
