I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize