You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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