Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
