so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Pants are for mortals
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
