just survived the first fart of the relationship.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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