Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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