My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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