i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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