a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
