So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
