i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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