Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
