Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
