Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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