Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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