i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
