It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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