So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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