Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
