I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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