none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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