I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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