his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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