I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
