Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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