I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Randomize
